It’s tradition but is it drag?
[Note from Ms. Behavior: Hi all. I’m on vacation, so this is a vintage column; however, you probably don’t remember it unless you were reading Ms. Behavior in 1996....]
Dear Ms. Behavior:
Recently my partner Bill and I attended the wedding of two straight friends. Everything was as expected, except that the groom wore a Scottish kilt. I thought it looked great, and I told Bill I’d like to wear a kilt for our wedding too.
Well, Bill was not very supportive. We agreed to have a fairly conservative ceremony, and he insists that kilts qualify as “drag.” I’m insisting that they’re not, since Scottish men have been wearing them for centuries, but Bill’s not convinced. In fact, he’s put his money where his mouth is, and said that if I’m right, he’ll wear one as well.
So, we’re writing to you. Are Scottish kilts considered “drag” or not? If not, when wearing a kilt at your own same-sex wedding ceremony, what should you wear with it?
—Scotty
Dear Scotty:
Worn within the context of their cultural tradition, kilts are not drag. If you’re not, however, Scottish, a kilt is just another pretty dress. (Just as if you’re not from Sri Lanka or Bali, a sarong is a form of drag, and if you’re not a transvestite prostitute in lower Manhattan, a flourescent green micro mini is definitely drag.) Now, this is not to say that Ms. Behavior disapproves of drag; rather she is curious as to why you would choose your wedding day as a drag opportunity. Have you explored this desire before?
Major life events, even happy ones, often evoke feelings of longing and loss for what might have been. Perhaps your wedding brings up unconscious feelings of sadness at never having been a bride. Or perhaps you view your wedding day as an opportunity to show off your fabulous legs while surrounded by loving friends and family.
Ms. Behavior consulted with her friend Joe the psychiatrist, who felt that you should not be deprived of the opportunity to act out your drag fantasies. Perhaps you could don a lovely kilt during a ceremonious bachelorette party. Or maybe go all the way and slip into a festive white bridal gown later in the reception.
Perhaps you’ll choose not to heed Ms. Behavior’s advice and you’ll wear a kilt to your wedding anyway. Then you’re still stuck with the question as to what to wear with it. While a traditional outfit (including a short boiled-wool jacket and special knee socks) is typically worn with the kilt, Ms. Behavior wonders what you had imagined; a dramatic veil, perhaps? Seductive garters? Keep in mind that the only thing that really complements a kilt is a set of bagpipes.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
Duke, my dream date, feels that the way we met (a hot, throbbing gym shower scene) renders a meaningful relationship unlikely. Does his claim that the sordid genesis of this friendship precludes anything more than tricking feel valid to you? Is there a healthy connection with this man in my stars?
I say that even though the initial attraction was sexual (like an earthquake), it’s a fine beginning. I get sweaty and dizzy just recounting that day. Even though we’re “not having a relationship,” we speak every day, and he comes by often....as a matter of fact he’s coming over today.
Ms. B, what should I do? Should I ignore his protestations? I don’t want to push him away. I’m really beginning to like him and besides, this guy has real technique: he managed to suck the earrings out of both my ears the other night without me even noticing.
How’s that for being...
—Distracted
Dear Distracted:
Ms. Behavior does not understand the nature of your complaint. Do you want Duke to sit in a rocking chair in your living room and read Dostoevsky to you? Are you upset that you haven’t taken any trips to the Museum, or gone to Shakespeare in the Park?
If you want something other than sexy shower scenes with Duke, you’ll have to try to create it. But, Ms. Behavior can’t help but notice that, while you say you’d like to have a “meaningful relationship” with Duke, the events you recount are all hot, dizzy or throbbing. This makes one wonder if your priorities are really any different than Duke’s. Sure, a relationship that begins in the locker room has potential to extend beyond the perspiration stage, but if it turns out to be nothing more than stupendous sex, don’t you think you should say a prayer of gratitude instead of griping?
P.S. You mentioned that Duke sucked the earrings right out of your head, and Ms. Behavior cannot help but wonder: Did he swallow?
[And now back from vacation…]
Dear Ms. Behavior:
I’m not gay but I have a gay daughter (Elizabeth) and she and her partner (Andrea) and their friends have considered me an “honorary lesbian” for many years. I love gay culture and have always gone to gay clubs and comedy shows, etc. So, I have a strong sense of what “the community” is about.
I was very surprised when Elizabeth and Andrea broke up a few weeks ago and decided not to speak with each other. What happened to lesbians being best friends? I might not care, except that Andrea and I are very close. In fact, her own mother died when she was young, and I believe she thinks of me as a second mother.
Anyway, for some reason that no one seems to want to explain to me, Elizabeth and Andrea are not speaking, and Elizabeth doesn’t want me to talk to Andrea. Meanwhile, Andrea has emailed me and asked me to meet her for coffee, saying that she needs to talk. Can I meet Andrea’s request? Do I need to ask Elizabeth’s permission to meet with her? Do I need to cut Andrea out of my life just because Elizabeth has cut her out?
—Pained Mom
Dear Pained Mom:
Your involvement in the gay community and your “honorary lesbian” status (which by the way has been conveyed on thousands of wanna-be bystanders and lesbian fetishists) doesn’t excuse you from the expectation of familial loyalty, which precludes sneaky meetings with Andrea behind your daughter’s back. Despite the attachment that you and Andrea have developed, you can’t prioritize that relationship over the one with your daughter. Meeting with Andrea, even for coffee, would be a betrayal of Elizabeth’s trust if you do it without telling her. This would also be true—and perhaps a bit more obvious—if your daughter were straight and you’d become close with her husband.
Be direct with Elizabeth in explaining your feelings for Andrea and your wish to stay in touch with her. Once you’ve told Elizabeth how you feel and given her a chance to respond, you need to respect her wishes.
If their broken relationship heals into a friendship over time—which you, as a homo-scholar, must know sometimes happens—you may have the opportunity to reconnect with Andrea later on.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
My friend Alice has been involved with a woman who is, for all practical purposes, married. I see how tortured she is when she deserves so much more. She just turned 36 and has already wasted three years sneaking around with Ricki, who continues to go home to her real girlfriend, Jolie. It’s the usual story; Ricki says she’s leaving Jolie, Alice gives Ricki ultimatums and deadlines, but nothing happens. Ricki says she’ll be free by Christmas and then by Easter and then by Summer, but with every holiday and birthday that goes by, it becomes more apparent that it’s never going to happen.
I’ve tried to make Alice see that she’s wasting her life (or at least her 30s), but it doesn’t help for more than a day or two. To make matters more complicated, Alice and I had one dinner date, right before she became obsessed with Ricki. I’ve often wondered what might happen between us if she could let go of her unhealthy obsession with Ricki. I don’t want to muddy the waters right now, but is there anything I can do to make her see that she’s hurting herself (without seeming too self-interested)?
—Mac
Dear Mac:
People who want committed relationships do somehow manage to find people who aren’t otherwise engaged. If Alice were ready for a full-fledged relationship she’d be having one, instead of sneaking around with someone who has to go home and eat dinner with someone else.
But really, it’s not your job to explain this to her, and even if it were, she’s not able to hear you. Why? Because she’s addicted to the excitement and pain of her current arrangement. You can’t talk people out of their obsessive thinking by reasoning with them. Unfortunately, Alice won’t be done with this until she’s really done.
Your “helpfulness” with this matter is tainted by your own feelings for Alice, who isn’t actually any more available than Ricki. And the same applies to you: If you really wanted a girlfriend, you wouldn’t choose someone who’s obsessed with someone else. If Alice is as mentally preoccupied as you describe, what part of her is left for you to enjoy? (Ms. Behavior is being figurative here, so please resist the temptation to send photos.)
If Alice deserves more, so do you. Take your own advice and go find a woman who actually wants to be with you.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
I’ve been in an exclusive relationship for the last 15 years, and it’s definitely the best one I’ve ever had. We are still intimate and still have sex, and yet for some reason I’m still mildly depressed and pine for other women. I’d like to know what is wrong with me. Is it my alcoholic/drug addict personality (though I’m in recovery), or my self- destructive nature that causes me to feel this way?
I love my girlfriend, and yet I still wish for emotional and physical relationships with other women. It’s not one particular woman I want; sometimes I have two or three friends at a time that I feel drawn to. I haven’t acted on this temptation, but I wish I could. What are your thoughts about this?
—Still Want It
Dear Still Want It:
You’re not dead yet; your wish to be with other women is not necessarily addictive or self-destructive, and fantasies are OK. It’s only a problem if you’re obsessed enough for it to cause you unhappiness in your life and in your relationship. For example, do you feel compelled enough to act on it even though you’ve agreed to be monogamous?
You can’t actually expect all of your emotional needs to be met by your partner, and in fact there’s nothing wrong with having some of them met by friends. However, this may create problems if meeting your needs involves lying down with a friend and putting her breast in your mouth for comfort.
If you think you’re actually depressed, acting on your desire will only distract you from the real problem, at least for a while, by temporarily changing your physiological state. The intense rush of pleasure you feel when you want someone is probably caused by an increase in your dopamine, serotonin and adrenaline. But there are other ways to achieve these positive feelings:
1) Snort cocaine. (OK, not a real suggestion.)
2) Eat chocolate. (If you increase dosing to excess, be prepared to buy pants with elastic waistbands.)
3) Try aerobic exercise. (Ms. Behavior doesn’t mean to be a downer.)
4) Take Essential Fatty Acids, found in fish and flax seeds.
5) Learn some cognitive behavioral therapy (without going so far as reading or espousing the wisdom of The Secret).
6) Have your girlfriend put on some surprising attire and a blonde wig and call her “Ma’am.”
On a more serious note, if you’re depressed beyond your pussy deprivation, you should consider seeing a doctor or a therapist.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
My girlfriend Kim has an extremely annoying habit of talking over me when I am making a point or even just a casual comment. I've tried on several occasions to discuss the matter with her, but she doesn't seem to think it's a problem. She says a conversation is like basketball; you have to be aggressive to stay in the game. This is totally exhausting. I find myself wanting to engage with her less and less. When we are out or with friends or at a party, I clam up and feel disdainful of her, while she treads all over everyone else's side of the discussion. She has apologized many times for this habit, and I say OK, but in truth at this point I just want to stay pissed at her. I can't seem to shake it. Is there something wrong with me? If the problem is really her, how can I get her to stop?
—Silent Sam
Dear Silent Sam:
If Kim were your pet instead of your girlfriend, you could condition her to stop barking while you were talking on the phone (or even to stop peeing on the carpet). You would shake a can of coins next to her head when she engaged in her annoying habits, or you would give her a delicious treat every time she let you talk for several consecutive minutes. (Of course the animal lovers among us, including Ms. Behavior, would prefer the positive reinforcement method.)
Kim would likely resist such obvious training approaches. But to be fair, if she insists on a basketball metaphor, tell her that talking over you is a foul. Tell her you’re the referee and you’re going to blow the whistle and make her sit out the game every time she talks over you or anyone else. If all else fails, poke her with your elbow, as if you’re blocking her shot. (For those humorless types inclined to admonish Ms. Behavior for advocating spousal abuse, the last sentence was a joke.)