Mis Behavior August 2010

Hey Loud Messy Lesbians, Have a Little Respect!

Dear Ms. Behavior:

We live year-round in a vacation community where we rent a house from a couple of very messy lesbians. They come and stay in the separate little downstairs apartment for just a few weeks in the summer, but they definitely make quite a ruckus with their snotty nosed babies, lawn furniture, toddler toys, dogs, cats, barbecue, garbage and friends.

First off, about nine of them converge on the house and yard—theirs, granted—but which we as their upstairs tenants keep clean and neat and well-tended all year round.

We acknowledge that they own the place. On the other hand, they are heavy drinkers with no sense that this place is actually our rented home.

We are looking to you for a nice way to say, “Hey Loud Messy Lesbians, Have a Little Respect!” Is it possible to say this politely?

—Quiet Homos Upstairs

Dear Quiet Homos:

You can’t tame mountain lions or rude lesbians. You do not speak their language. Plus, if they are drunk and encumbered with babies and Big Wheels, you’re invisible to them anyway.

If you still feel moved to attempt communication, keep in mind that your complaints about their empty beer cans and their general messiness will make them view you as a nuisance.

These don’t sound like very process-oriented lesbians, so your need for order may just confuse or annoy them.

As renters, you unfortunately don’t have much power to change the behavior of the people who own the house.

The only thing you can adjust in this case is your expectations. Try to be grateful for the fact that the rude lesbians only descend upon you for a few weeks. Think of it as a planned natural disaster. Instead of stocking up on water and canned food, barricade yourself inside with movies and treats. Plan some weekends away, if possible.

And once the interlopers leave, sweep the snot and garbage from the yard and restore order in any way that makes your little hearts sing.

Dear Ms. Behavior:

How can I refuse an invitation for a joint bath without insulting my girlfriend? She has herpes and is on an antiviral medication to help prevent the virus from becoming active.

So far, the drug seems to be working. It’s been years since she’s had an actual outbreak, and she hasn’t had any symptoms in the months we’ve been together. We do take precautions during sex.

The problem is that we are planning a vacation together, and along with hiking, biking and dancing, she includes “taking a bath together” near the top of her list of fun and romantic things to do while we’re away.

I haven’t said anything yet and I might be more worried than I need to be, but I’ve read mixed things about whether or not you can get herpes from sharing a bathtub with a person who’s infected.

It shouldn’t even matter. The bottom line is that I’d rather not take a bath with anyone. I don’t like sitting in a tub of water with other people. But I don’t want to make her feel self-conscious or bad, so it’s hard for me to say anything.

I do really like this girl. I hope you have some advice for me. What can I say without offending or alienating her?

—Clarabelle.

Dear Clarabelle:

Some “herpes authorities” say that you can’t transmit herpes in a hot tub; others say that it’s at least remotely possible.

However, since you’re opposed to taking baths together anyway, there’s no need to make an issue of the bath concern. Do not mention that it skeeves you to think of basting in someone’s else’s bodily fluids. Do not wax poetic about the ring of scum that encircles the average bath drain or about how hotels frequently use the same cloths and brushes to clean every tub, perhaps even employing the brush that just scrubbed the toilet.

It is far easier to say, “I’m just not a bath person,”—which seems true enough—without mentioning anything about dipping into a soup of other peoples’ viruses and bacteria.

However, to avoid suspicion that you’re a wet blanket, please be sure to come up with 15 or 16 other fun and romantic things that you and your girlfriend can do together on vacation.

Address your questions and comments to: misbehavior@aol.com.