Woman is ‘all ears’ over rumor

 

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I am 17-year-old gay girl. I want to have muscles or at least just be fit for my senior year in high school and for college because I want to play basketball and probably many other sports. I do not want a whole lot of muscles though. I’m emailing you to get pointers and tips. Can you please help me?

—Elizabeth T.

Dear Elizabeth T:

 You are hunting for a chinchilla on a zebra farm. Ms. Behavior generally handles matters far more delicate (and often less attractive) than muscles.

 Please take yourself to the gym and try to locate a helpful young woman who can offer “pointers and tips.” If you like her a lot and have romantic feelings toward her, see if she is willing to teach you things and also to go on dates with you. If so, woo her with kindness and gifts and try to get her to become engaged to you.

Once she is your wife (or even just your girlfriend), ask her to provide ongoing assistance with your development until you achieve the sleek physique you’ve always wanted. Remember to offer her as much of yourself as you can in return—whether your skills lie in math or car repair or legal matters—so that she knows you’re not just using her for her personal training skills.

After you’re involved with your fit new bride for four or five years, if you find she spends far too much time developing her gluteus maximus muscles or assisting middle-aged wimmin to feel the burn at the expense of your cuddling time, then you may feel free to write to Ms. Behavior for advice.

(If the gym suggestion doesn’t work out for you, Ms. Behavior has heard a rumor that yoga can help you to become fit and strong without bulking up.)

 

Dear Ms. Behavior:

I started seeing a very interesting woman recently. We haven’t been intimate yet; we’re getting old, so that hasn’t been the priority. I’m wary about getting too close anyway, because of a rumor I’ve heard about Dee. Apparently, about five years ago, she followed her then-girlfriend into the supermarket during an argument and bit her girlfriend’s ear hard enough to draw blood. Dee got tossed in jail for the night. There are a couple of other legends about her, too.

None of these stories are confirmed by anyone I know, and it all seems hard to imagine. Meanwhile, I like this woman and she’s always been perfectly nice to me, but I’m not sure how to handle this. Do I ask her directly about the ear thing? Should I just break it off and run for the hills? Or do seniors get dispensation for past bad behavior?

—Needing Guidance

Dear Needing Guidance:

The real question is not whether or not Dee bit her ex’s ear in the produce aisle at Stop ‘n Shop, but rather what that piece of information means to you. If a reliable friend had personally witnessed the ear chomping, would that scare you away from Dee? Or would you assume that Dee’s tooth just happened to get caught in her ex’s earring? What if her ex bit first, and Dee just chewed back in self-defense? Since you’ll probably never understand the circumstances of these events, the real question is probably how to assess whether or not Dee is now sane and trustworthy.

Normally, people don’t change very much. If Dee did bite her ex, that doesn’t mean she’ll bite you, however, it’s likely that an aggressive person will remain aggressive unless she’s had the benefit of intensive therapy or effective medication.

Seniors don’t get dispensation for bad behavior but sometimes they (or others) forget what they’ve done. Also, older people are often seen as “gentle” but this isn’t always true. Sometimes they just become smaller and less menacing or they forget what they learned in their karate classes so many years ago.

It may not be comfortable to ask Dee about the incidents you’ve heard about, but you may as well find out if she’s able to reasonably talk about herself and her past. If she can’t or won’t—or if she bares her teeth at you—that’s useful information, as you assess whether or not you’ll feel safe sleeping next to her as you grow even older.

 

Dear Ms. Behavior:

My girlfriend Sue and I have always taken a special interest in my brother’s kid: I’ll call him Matt. A few weeks ago, Sue and I went on vacation and let Matt come stay at our apartment with his college girlfriend. This was all hush-hush, since Matt isn’t very close to his father, my brother, who is an alcoholic. When we got back home, Sue found that a new tube of KY Jelly that had been in the bedside table had been used and not returned to the drawer.

Obviously, Matt and his girlfriend had sex in our bed while we were gone, though the agreement was that he and his girlfriend not stay overnight, only use the place to hang out during the day to “get away from school and Matt’s oppressive father.”

Now we are in a terrible spot, and it’s causing tension between my girlfriend and me. Sue feels violated and disrespected and says we should get Matt’s key back and not allow him to come into our home without us here ever again. I think this is kind of harsh, and am more concerned with Matt’s poor decision-making. Do I really need to take back his key?

—Aunt Mary

Dear Aunt Mary:

You want to be Matt’s cool aunt and provide refuge to him, but you also need to let Sue know that you respect her feelings. Tell Sue that you’re willing to confront Matt about the case of the missing lube. If she knows you’re taking her feelings seriously, she may be willing to give Matt another chance before forcing you to confiscate his key.

You may embarrass your nephew (and yourself) by mentioning the pilfered lube situation—detailing how you and Sue prefer to save it all for you own giant double-headed lesbian dildos—but sometimes direct communication requires a bit of awkwardness.

If you want to get the point across without going down the slippery lube slope, you could lightly mention to Matt that you noticed that he and his girlfriend may have had a romp in your bed, which wasn’t what you had in mind when you gave him the key.

If he’s mortified, that’s great; maybe he won’t do it again. If he shrugs it off or denies it but you still want him to stay in your home, you might clarify which rooms he’s welcome to use. If all else fails and you and Sue still want to give him a place to escape, put a lock on your bedroom door.

Or if you’re too dysfunctional for direct confrontation, you might consider replacing the K-Y jelly with a tube of anchovy paste.

 

Dear Ms. Behavior:

My college roommate William (who is practically like a brother to me—a problematic, ill-behaved brother) came for a visit last weekend with his “new boyfriend,” who was basically a mail-order boy-bride from the Philippines.

The poor young man (fictional name: Bayani) seemed more like a prisoner than a willing partner. William barely let the kid out of his sight, held his hand practically throughout the entire weekend, and only let him by himself when he used the bathroom. It was disturbing.

Only once was I able pry Bayani away from William when we went to the store to get groceries; he was reticent, but finally said something about William not letting him work, which was a problem because he needed to send money home to his family. Also, he mentioned that William was not the gentleman he thought he was going to be, whatever that means. (I think it had to do with money.)

This feels like an awful moral dilemma. Should I tell William to let the kid have a little more leash? Obviously, William doesn’t want him to go out and get experience because he’ll leave him the minute he gets the chance, but still you can’t keep another human being prisoner. What should I do?

—Unwilling Witness to Will

Dear Unwilling Witness:

If you think Bayani is being mistreated, there’s no sense in mincing words; talk to William and tell him exactly what you see—that his boyfriend seems like a prisoner, that he doesn’t have any breathing room. It seems important to do this without betraying Bayani’s confidence.

 If William doesn’t listen to you, you may need to involve other friends or family members to help you to intervene. If it seems like you need heroic methods to remove Bayani from the situation, ask a few lesbians to help. In Ms. Behavior’s experience, 40 percent of all lesbians are very brave and have large hero complexes. Such lesbians will go to any lengths to rescue a person who is being oppressed.