Side with partner—not family—says Ms. B.

 

Dear Ms Behavior:

My girlfriend Laura is introverted to a degree that might seem freaky to others. Sometimes when she is overwhelmed, she clams up, turns on the TV and curls up for several hours. She doesn’t speak or engage. This happens when we fight, but also when she’s upset over small things, she just shuts down.

I am an extrovert, as are all the members of my family. We have a family visit planned next month; my parents and three of my chatty siblings will be coming to see us. Everyone has met Laura, but we haven’t ever spent a weekend together.

I’m worried that the visit will be stressful for Laura and that she’ll pull one of her inside-the-turtle-shell episodes in front of them. I don’t mind that it’s her coping mechanism when we’re alone, but I’m embarrassed when she does it in front of other people. I know that my family will judge her/us.

So, would I be a controlling bitch if I asked Laura not to clam up or hide while the family is visiting? Or should I back off and not worry about what my family thinks?

—Married to the Reptile

Dear Married to the Reptile:

It’s understandable that you want to save your girlfriend (and yourself) from your family’s judgment, but you probably can’t control everyone’s experience. If Laura needs to go hide in the bedroom (or the broom closet), let her do it. If she slips away quietly, your family may not even notice. People on vacation often slip off to take naps or read books. As long as your family doesn’t see her curled in the fetal position under the dining room table, it should be fine.

Sometimes when people recede into their shells, it’s protective: Hiding takes the pressure off. Disappearing may help Laura to defend against having a true meltdown—which would really give your family something to talk about.

Ms. Behavior suspects that the real issue here may be your need for your family’s approval. Why are you so invested in their opinion? Why not align yourself with Laura instead of your critical family?

 

Dear Ms. Behavior:

When I was “straight” and married to a woman, I was a lousy husband and father. I drank and went out all the time and was basically a jerk. This fact continues to plague me with guilt and regret.

I have a boyfriend now, and I’m a much happier person. Rick and I have been together for three years. He’s a nice guy who has no bad feelings about my previous life. In fact he has suggested that I contact my ex-wife, to apologize to her for everything I did wrong.

When I last saw Gina (several years ago), she threw the contents of the kitchen cabinets at my head. But now time has passed, and more recently our kids have kept me apprised of her well-being and new marriage, and it sounds like she’s in a good place.

So, I need some advice. First of all, is it selfish to try to arrange a rapprochement with someone you’ve wronged? Or is it a good thing to do—and am I just looking for an excuse to avoid this difficult reunion (as Rick suspects)? What do you think?

—Sorry Ex-Spouse

Dear Sorry Ex-Spouse:

If you are truly sorry for your past behavior and want to make amends to your ex, apologize to her on her terms. If you’re taking responsibility for being inconsiderate, don’t dump your guilt on Gina or make it all about you. Simply send her an email and ask if she’s willing to get together so that you can apologize to her. If she is not ready right now, respect her wishes. You can make amends by changing your behavior. Send her lots of white light and love. Say nice things about her in public. Don’t wear chaps when you pick up the kids at her house.

If she’s willing to hear you out, make sure to focus on your own behavior. Chances are good that you were even worse than you remember; so make sure you give her a chance to express her feelings, which may be difficult to hear.

It can be strangely disorienting to hang out with an ex, especially if you’re talking about your painful past. So, have the kids and Rick meet you afterward for some normalizing behavior that will help you move on, whatever that might be in your family: An ice cream, a séance, dancing the Hora.

 

Dear Ms. Behavior:

Years ago, I used excellent advice from your book (Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette) to prepare for falling in love.  It worked. My relationship lasted 10 years. Eventually, my partner and I grew apart and broke up. Unfortunately, when I searched for your book so that I could once again prepare for love, I found that my partner had taken it. She refuses to give it back, claiming she needs it more than I do.  Could you give us an excerpt in your column?

—Single Katie

Dear Single Katie:

Here’s a condensed version.   Ms. Behavior hopes it helps.

“How To Meet the Person of Your Dreams and Fall in Love”

Think of the Buddhist notion of holding two opposing things, one in each hand; one represents going on with your life without thinking about falling in love, the other represents preparation for the magical moment that you do.  Such spiritual gymnastics are not necessary for casual dating, but to be ready for love, Ms. Behavior believes you must achieve two seemingly contradictory states: a Zenlike meditative bliss which keeps you happy in the moment and the intense preparation of a boy scout.

Nothing potentially batters your self-esteem more than a new relationship, so in addition to preparing physically (grooming, working out and lots of moisturizing), being ready for falling in love involves pumping it up emotionally, too. The unimaginative attempt to achieve heightened self-esteem by sitting naked in front of their full-length mirrors, reciting affirmations. The non-icky way to enhance your self-image is to become your own ideal lover. Ms. Behavior acknowledges the limitations of this; you obviously won’t be able to dive like Greg Louganis just because you admire his body, and if you’re a woman you should not necessarily have your breasts enlarged just  because you love Dolly. If, however, you are attracted to fit, spiritual people who read a lot, you might start working out, meditating and spending your free time at the library, instead of lying on the couch, eating popcorn, bemoaning your fate. This method not only improves your self-esteem; it also gets you out of your house so that you can meet people.

You know why this self-strengthening is necessary: once you fall in love, you lose your center and become a jiggly, gelatinous cling-on. That warm, liquid feeling in your lover’s presence becomes a drug that both awakens you and gives you a sensation of sleepy calm. Your sense of self erodes; you have to look in the mirror all the time to remember who you are. You shed your own interests and become obsessed with your partner’s interest, even if his bizarre hobbies include 16th-century archaeology, collecting Snoopy dolls and the care and breeding of iguanas.

Your friends and family recede into the distance. You are late for work twice a week, and when your boss yells, you just smile. The heap of laundry in your bedroom is shoulder high, with whites and colors happily commingling. Your therapist gets exasperated with your far-away look and tells you that she hates people who are in love because they are rendered deaf and silly by their own passion.

At first, losing yourself feels wonderful. Merging with another person, body and soul, feels like a giant, psychic orgasm. But soon you realize that your life has slipped away, that you don’t even remember what used to interest you. Beneath your new collection of Snoopy dolls and reptiles are small clues about what your life used to be like, and like a victim of amnesia, you try to piece them together. Your memory of self has been sucked into the black hole of obsessive love.

Ms. Behavior cannot bear to see this happen to you. All she has ever wanted is your happiness. So, here she offers her guidance what you need to do to prepare for falling in love:

·            Floss and brush your teeth

·            Use high-quality skincare products

·            Buy new sheets and fabulously sexy underwear

·            Spend time cultivating hobbies and friends

·            Ride your bicycle

·            Plant things in your garden

·            Go to therapy and discuss your mother and your father, over and over again

·            Be nice to your pets

·            Visit your grandmother

·            Avoid people who are deeply cynical

·            Burn pretty candles

·            Come out to everyone you know

·            Keep fresh flowers in a vase in your living room

·            Take your vitamins

·            Meditate

·            Recycle

Once you have done all of this, you will be ready to fall in love. Also, you will be pretty damn appealing.

Address your questions and comments to: msbehavior@aol.com. Signed copies of Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette (Houghton Mifflin) are available directly from the author.

@2009 Meryl Cohn. Visit www.msbehavior.com.